Missing the Mark on Feedback

Feedback. We hate it. We hate giving it. We hate hearing it. We know we need it but it’s not working. We’re missing the mark on addressing a huge gap in making feedback more effective.

1. Calling it something different doesn’t make it better
   Over the past several years, there have been some attempts to revolutionize the term ‘feedback’ because we all know it doesn’t work. The terms I have heard are “feedforward” or “perspective”. Fair, but call it whatever you want, it’s still not effective. We’re missing the mark on really fixing the issue. When you hear the term ‘feedback’, do you immediately think of performance reviews or 1:1s with your leader after someone complained about you to your boss? If you don’t think that way now, did you earlier in your career? It’s a common thought. But, what feedback really is is data. It’s data in response to a situation or action that should be considered when determining how best to move forward. This data even exists outside of performance reviews and 1:1s. Applause and congratulatory comments are feedback. Unsolicited complaints are feedback. Crucial conversations include feedback. Sometimes no response is feedback. Brainstorming is feedback! Feedback comes in all forms and from all kinds of people.
2. We teach how to give feedback but not how to receive feedback
   Workplace education tends to favor improving leaders’ skills, and rightfully so. What if we also looked at improving employees’ skills in the same scenarios? Think of yourself as the employee hearing feedback from your leader. What really happens in those conversations? The negative self-talk. The shame spiral. The confusion about what even went ‘wrong’. The frustration, bitterness, or even resentment. This is a reality for a lot of people. For those who are people pleasers, hard on themselves, and perfectionists. What should they do when they receive feedback? How should they interpret it in the best light? How can they internalize it without beating themselves up? How can they hear the input while keeping it in perspective of the bigger picture?
3. The mental health of it all
   I had an a-ha moment on this topic once at work. I asked a handful of people for feedback on a project and two people gave me the exact opposite recommendation (aka feedback) on how to move forward. That’s when it hit me that feedback is just input (data). Information for me to consider as I make a decision on how to move forward. Receiving feedback from someone does not necessarily mean that’s the action you should take. You still have the freedom of choice after hearing feedback from someone (in whatever form it comes in). The people pleaser in me was relieved! I realized how I would take feedback as the ‘answer’ and just do what those people wanted, without regard to my own ideas or desires. That’s what some of us were taught, right? Whatever other people want is what you should do. I’m here to tell you, that you can make a shift in this perspective! If you can shift your mindset from disappointment in yourself or the feeling of having done something “wrong” or frustration because of complaints to one of “thanks for the feedback. I’ll take that into consideration next time” and then, open-mindedly choose the best path forward, it can make a big difference on your mental health. Keep in mind, that this means that you truly are open-minded to considering others’ opinions and want to keep improving (a process, a training, etc). It is not a scapegoat to ignore everyone else and move full steam ahead on what you want without consideration of others. It’s merely a change in perspective that presents you as collaborative and open to learning without the weight of shame or guilt that is human nature.