A Christmas Story

Christmas week 2017.

Thursday through Sunday sucked. They were just horrible. I was at home, sick and alone while my side of the family was together at the farm and Jason was on his way to Wisconsin to see his family. Alone. I spent some energy cleaning around the house but got tired quickly so would rest often. It was negative 8 outside for a high so going outside wasn’t the most appealing but I did it to calm down my head stir. Shopping is always a good distraction, even if it’s just walking around a store until I get tired. I went for my usual walk at the Rec Center for some physical and mental exercise and barely made it through with my head up the first few days. Also during this time I was sad about missing all the fun and felt some level of guilt for letting my illness be an excuse – I was sure that if I mentally felt on top of my game, I would’ve gone anyway. That may or may not be true. It’s tough to say.

My sadness and holiday depression went deep. I made it to my Bible study and (early) Christmas Eve services which was a light in my darkness. I prayed for friends and family who I knew were having a tough Christmas as well. I took deep breaths and worked on my calming techniques. In the church I felt better: calm, safe and protected. For some reason, in the event I completely lost it, I trusted those strangers around me would pick me up. The holiday message was about God being there in our broken and messy lives – sick, addicted, getting divorced, and being anxious or depressed. In these moments is where He works the hardest to provide strength, courage, and hope. The tears started swelling in my eyes. I held back as much as I could until I got to my car and then, let them fall. It was a message I needed to here and a reminder to keep my hope and courage going.

Christmas Eve came and my anxiety deepened in anticipation of all my distractions closing for the next 36 hours. How was I going to deal with my anxiety if I had nowhere to go to distract myself? Stores would be closed, the Rec Center was already closed, and I knew of nowhere else feasible. Panic started creeping in. Panic about the inevitable panic attacks that were bound to come. When evening came, I found enough ways to pull through until Morning.

Christmas morning feeling exhausted and of course worried about this (sunny) day, I went to church. Church was warm, bright, inviting, and exactly what I needed at that moment. The message, while the same in theory, had different words and a slightly different emphasis. As I listened to “The Glorious Impossible” theme, I felt lighter and lighter. New ideas and opportunities of what I could do differently popped in my head. When I feel depressed, there is dim light that is used for survival only, these thoughts are used to thrive. This was a good sign. My Hope bank was getting bigger. My heart lighter. The song “The First Noel” was sung in which the lyrics finally made sense to me:

[Verse 2]

They looked up and saw a star
Shining in the east beyond them far:
And to the earth it gave great light
And so it continued both day and night.

[Chorus]
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
Born is the King of Israel.

[Verse 3]
And by the light of that same star
Three wise men came from the country far;
To seek for a King was their intent,
And to follow the star wherever it went.

“And to follow the star wherever it went” This line hit me. Messages from recent Bible studies and my own reflection started appearing as one message, one direction that this line solidified. He is the star to follow even if you do not know where it leads.

The Sermon continued to reference the prison of our own making we hold ourselves in, in our messy and broken lives. God said “let me in”…….  God said “let me in”. I almost started sobbing right then and there. That’s it. This was exactly what was missing for me. Both He and other important people to me are right outside my door wanting to come in. I know they are there but I have not shared who I am inside to feel that they are there. I have not let them in.

On the road to Valley City shortly thereafter. While I feel new light and hope, the anxiety is still there as that is all I see and what I look for. It was a very long 45 minute drive waiting for panic triggers to approach. Once there, my family and I started packing up Grandma’s belongings from her apartment. No doubt a bit emotional as it meant another step closer to her inevitable journey Home soon, but we were there, together. As the last items were  being taken down the stairs to the trailer, I brought my presents that had not been shared yet up the stairs. After a terribly long, anxious and emotional weekend I at least wanted a few minutes of real family Christmas.

In the nearly empty apartment, a few sat on the only piece of furniture that remained. The rest of us sat on the floor in a circle emotionally and physically run down. There were no Christmas decorations, no Christmas cookies, egg nog, or a turkey with all the sides. Just Mom, Dad, my sister, my  brother-in-law and my 2 nephews.  Presents were passed around, laughter ensued, and in that God moment, things started to make sense again. I just had the most meaningful Christmas ever.

After that Christmas, I got rid of my Christmas decorations (except the meaningful ones) and no longer get sucked into the commercialism of it all. People look at me strangely when I tell them I don’t decorate for the holidays and how exhausting I find it all but I’m ok with that. The meaningless actions and activities are no longer worthy of my time and energy. What I wish for, and am grateful for, are the family memories filled with Light.